Reflection

I've been in a reflective mood these past few days. My days have been filled with the mundane routines of life with a baby. It seems I'm always washing, cleaning, changing diapers, feeding, cooking. Did I mention washing? In between washings I marvel at the little miracle I care for everyday.

Sometimes there are those moments when there's a brief pause in time. After a feeding, as I'm burping her, Astrid will sometimes fall asleep on my shoulder. I inhale the warm baby scent from the top of her head and enjoy the warmth and weight of her little, chubby body in my arms. She looks like an angel sleeping and at times like this I don't want her to grow up. I want her to stay a baby forever so that I can enjoy this precious time.

Then there are the times when I've been on night patrol for days and sleep deprived and would give anything for 14 hours of uninterrupted sleep. On those days I can't wait for Astrid to grow older so that she can sleep through the night and be a little more independent.

And then there are those times when Astrid wakes up crying and when she sees me and hears my voice she immediately stops and smiles up at me. At that moment life is good. Seeing her smiling and happy makes my heart swell up with love for her. Uwe asked me if my heart ever aches because I feel so much love for her. My response was "All the time. That's why I kiss her so much."

It is true what they say, "when you have a child you have the longest days but the shortest years."

Some of this reflection started when Uwe and I started looking at photos of Astrid documenting her birth and first months of her life. Was she really that small at one time? In another few months will be look back at this time and think the same thing? Where has the time gone?

There was also another event that triggered further reflection. It made me realize what a small world we live in as well as how life has a way of happening while you're making other plans.

People used to run into each other when out and about in the city. This includes friends, acquaintances, former boyfriends, etc. But in 2005, how do you run across them? Yep, the internet of course.

I stumbled on a blog of a woman who is married to a former boyfriend of mine. More specifically, the last boyfriend before Uwe. Talk about a surreal blogging experience! She had photos of their wedding, their condo, their vacations, and basically their life together. We have never met as my ex and I broke up before he met her and my ex and I have not been in contact for the past 5 years.

Uwe, being the sweet and thoughtful husband that he is, carried Astrid downstairs and said, "Come on Astrid. Your mom's going to be busy for the next couple of hours." Haha. Even though Astrid was fussing, Uwe took care of her so that I could satisfy my curiosity.

I couldn't help but check out the wife of my ex and do a little side by side comparison. The only way I can see that we're similar is that we're both Democrats. (Oh and I was happy to see that she wouldn't allow my ex to vote for Bush the 2nd time around even though he's still a Republican...which made me think that he DID vote for Bush the first time around.)

Then of course I had to check out my ex. It's been 5 years since I'd seen him so I had no idea what to expect. My first response was "Wow, he's got a beard!" I never knew he was a beard kinda guy. I also noticed that his hair is the same cut but he just combs it a little differently (probably to hide the receding hairline..hey it happens right!?), he wears glasses (he used to wear contacts), and he's heavier set than he was when I knew him (again, it happens right?). But his outward appearance didn't change all that much and I would still recognize him if I saw him on the street.

It was interesting reading about my ex through his wife's eyes. She writes about his many "isms" which weren't his "isms" when I knew him. You think you know someone but everyone changes as they get older. Everyone evolves.

Uwe pointed out that he had the privilege of seeing me change from a girl into a woman during the course of our relationship. Having a baby was part of it but the transformation had already started before then.

I credit Uwe for giving me the love and confidence to make the leap into motherhood. With out his support the journey wouldn't have been as rewarding or enjoyable.

Here's just one example: On the 4th day of being in the hospital after having given birth to Astrid, we were waiting for my doctor to stop by to take out my staples and release me from the hospital later that afternoon, so Uwe left to do some errands for a few hours.

I hit a real low point lying in that hospital bed by myself.

Reason #1: I had an elective c-section and for pain medication I opted for tylenol with codeine (over the stronger Demerol). My doctor had prescribed 2 pills every 3 hours which was just fine. That is if I ever got my medication. After 3 hours I called the nurse's desk and requested my pain medication. No one came. After 4 hours I called again. Still no one came. I called again after 5 hours and still no one came. After calling 3 times I gave up. It was really difficult for me to get out of bed with my incision. I also had terrible breast pain due to lactation and swelling. That was almost worse than the incision. So hence I was in pain and 6 hours had passed with out anyone coming to my room with my pain medication.Reason #2: Also, I had previously asked for my bandage to be changed. The Korean nurse (I have to stipulate that she is Korean because she reminded me of my mother and made me feel like I was 4 years old by the way she was talking to me with out listening to me) told me to just put a maxi pad over it. What? It wasn't bleeding. It was just dirty and was tugging at my incision. Try leaving an old bandage over an incision for 4 days and see if putting a maxi pad over it will make everything better. Clueless, lazy, CRAZY nurse.Reason #3: Astrid had jaundice, (a result of me having type O blood, and Astrid having type A blood) and was getting photo therapy in the nursery on another floor. The pediatrician came in the morning and said she was fine and could be released from the hospital. They told me that they were getting the baby ready to be delivered down to me. I called later after Uwe left and still no baby. They said they would "check on it" but no one ever called me back. So I called again and got another "we'll check on it" with no call back. I felt like screaming "Where's my baby!?"

Having never had surgery before and then staying in the hospital for 4 days straight with out being able to go outside, my spirits were at an all time low. Uwe tried to cheer me up with little drawings he'd make on the white board with sweet messages. But then in pain, no medication, no one was listening to me, no baby, I mean that can test a normal person's sanity let alone a woman that has just given birth a few days prior and has raging hormones. I know now what it feels like to be sick or old and have to rely on others to take care of you. It's awful.

I had my cell phone with me so I called Uwe and I was in tears trying to explain to him what was going on, or not going on in this case. He said, "Don't worry. I'll be right there."

As soon as Uwe got to the hospital there was a nurse in my room with my pain medication with apologies left and right (she said there was a shift change and no one let her know) and she immediately changed my bandage. They also brought down Astrid shortly afterwards.

I felt embarrassed that I had sobbed like a baby. Uwe said that it was totally understandable, when you're weak and hurting the last thing you feel up to is walking over to the nurses' station to yell and scream and demand attention, and that's what he was there for. That's exactly what he did. As soon as he got to the hospital he went to the nurses' station and demanded a nurse come to my room with my pills and new bandages. The nurses said, "We'll be right there." Uwe was not satisfied, and in his matter of fact, no nonsense manner responded, "No. You have to come right now. Right now." So that's how I got my nurse and all my problems were taken care of.

When we got home I found that not only had Uwe been running errands but he had decorated the doorway to the baby's room for our arrival, and had cleaned the house. My heart still swells up with so much love for Uwe when I think about this, that it aches.

Reading that blog about my ex and his current life made me realize how far I have come and how my life has changed in many ways from even just 5 years ago. If I had the choice I'd do it all again (although I would bring a big bottle of Motrin to the hospital and make sure I didn't get that nurse).

Sometimes it's good to pause and reflect on your life from time to time.

Btw: Yes Astrid was once that little. She was born on Tuesday, April 19, 2005 at 5:21 PM at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles. (Madonna delivered her first child there via c-section as well.) Astrid weighed 7 lbs and 9 ounces (3455 grams) and measured 20 inches.