My decision to go back to work

I've been meaning to write about my decision to go back to work for sometime now, but it always felt premature to write about it when I didn't know what to expect and it was completely new territory for me. It's kind of like when someone asks you, "So how's it feel to be a new parent?" The only honest answer would be "I don't know. I'm still feeling my way around. Ask me in a year and I'll have a better understanding of it." But most people just give a canned answer like, "Oh it's great."

The first month of going back to work was different from the 2nd month and so on. I wanted to give it enough time so that I could give a true assessment of the situation, and my feelings about it. But since Jeannie asked, and some of my friends are struggling with this tough decision as well; I will try my best to elaborate on my decision to return to work and how it's been going since I've been back to work full time for 5 months now.

First off I have to say that I never in a million years thought I would be a stay at home mom. I never took a home economics class, never envisioned myself as a Hausfrau (a Betty Crocker I am not), and have always worked since I was 7 years old, holding 2 jobs all through college. It was unfathomable NOT working.

My plan all along was to go back to work after my maternity leave was over. However, when my maternity leave was coming to an end, I felt I still needed more time to bond with the baby. Uwe and I discussed it and agreed that I would stay home with the baby for 2-3 years until she was in preschool, unless I found a really great job opportunity.

In the end I stayed home for 10 months to care for the baby. We bonded and I loved being able to see all her firsts, to be the one to comfort her when she cried (I was always the hero coming to her rescue), to feed her all her meals, implement her nap schedule, and overall became more confident in my ability to care for her by myself. There were however many days where I would be washing the dishes, and bouncy my fussy baby in her bouncy seat with my foot and trying my best to keep my sanity.

A job opening popped up on my radar which sounded like a great opportunity and it was only 10 minutes from my house. The company was featured in Forbes magazine two years in a row as one of the top 200 companies to work for (for it's size). I applied in December and by January had completely forgotten about it when I was contacted by the Director of Operations. After doing an initial phone interview she asked me if I would be interested in coming in to interview for the position. At that point I had nothing to lose and I thought if nothing came out of it, at least it would help me polish my rusty interviewing skills. By February I had a job offer.

Major dilemma. To go back to work, or not go back to work. Uwe and I spent several evenings discussing it. Uwe thought I should stay home, but the final decision was mine to make. I was very close to turning the position down. I thought long and hard about it and decided in the long term it would be the best for me and my family if I accepted the position.

My decision was determined in part by the following:

1) My compensation will help our family.
Living in Los Angeles, we will have to pay for private schooling for Astrid which is very expensive. We are looking into Waldorf schools because we want to give her the best education possible. We will also be able to setup Astrid's college education fund to pay for her studies. We will be able to go on family vacations and when Astrid is older we will be able to send her abroad to travel during summer vacation.

2) The longer I stay out of the work force the more detrimental my future prospects will be.
I work in an industry that is constantly changing with new guidelines and legislation. I already took a year off to teach, and the longer I stayed home, the more outdated my skills and experience would become. Re-entering the workforce at the same level, after 3 years would be difficult if not near impossible. Also, by staying home I would not be able to save for our retirement. By going back to work full time I would be able to contribute to my 401(k) plan on a tax deferred basis with a company match.

3) Better benefits.
Health insurance through Uwe's firm is very expensive. By going back to work full time I could cover my family under my company's benefit plan for a much reduced cost.

Fortunately I made the right decision. I love where I work and I look forward to going to work each day. Not only do I enjoy the people I work with and the work that I do, but it's a great company and I have a bright future ahead of me.

Jeannie asked me how I do it all. The answer is - I don't. I have help. Help from Uwe who is a devoted/involved father and my biggest cheerleader. Also help from our nanny Lorie who loves and cares for Astrid as if she were her own child. They say it takes a village to raise a child and I believe that's true.

The second part of Jeannie's question was "Do you feel guilty?" Let me just say that although no one can ever replace mama and papa, our nanny has our daughter's best interests at heart. She also loves her job and it allows her to raise her 12 year old son as a single mother. It really has been a win/win situation. She told me the other day that when she's alone with the baby sometimes she smells fresh flowers. She never thought anything of it until the other day when the smell was really strong and she kept smelling Astrid to see where it was coming from (but it wasn't Astrid). Our nanny Lorie lost her mother to cancer some years ago, and her mother loved fresh flowers. The smell of fresh flowers reminded Lorie of her mother. She told this to her brother one day and almost started crying because she thought it was her mother telling her she was proud of her and she was doing a good thing by taking care of a baby.

I leave everyday knowing that Astrid is in good hands. As I mentioned in a prior post, Lorie feels like a part of the family now, like an aunt. I am not threatened by her relationship with Astrid, as another person loving my child cannot be a bad thing.

Lorie takes Astrid to the park and reads to her everyday. At least once a week Lorie also takes her to the LA Zoo, swimming at the Rose Bowl pool, and to the library. After work either Uwe or I will take Astrid out to various parks for some one on one time. We also make sure that one of us is home in the evenings to bathe Astrid, feed her, and put her to bed. We feel it's important that Astrid feels loved and cherished by her parents and that we're always there in the evenings for her. I'm usually home by 5 PM. And weekends are designated family time.

By staying home I found out a lot about myself and in some ways I have changed. For instance I never realized how much I missed interacting with coworkers and the water cooler conversations. This blog was a godsend to stay connected with the outside world, but I still felt very isolated staying home everyday and not having that adult interaction on a daily basis. I've also become more ambitious and driven than I ever have been in my life. Now it's all about my family and doing what's best for them and our future. I'm constantly thinking about the future and long term goals. I even joined a gym to improve my health so I can continue to support my family and enjoy a long life with them.

There are cons to being a working mom too of course. When Astrid was sick it pained me to go to work. Although I've gotten used to Astrid crying when I leave to go to work, it still affects me. I have to manage my time wisely at work because I don't have the luxury of staying late whenever I need to, because I have to be home by 5 for Astrid. That was tricky when I was taking licensing courses out in Encino for a week. I would constantly be checking my watch and then class would end around 4 and I would run to my car in the parking lot because traffic is always heinous out that way and if I was 5 minutes late I would feel like a complete failure. I have many more balls in the air to juggle and I know there will be days when I'll be a complete wreck, but right now I'm managing as best I can and everyone seems to have adapted well to me going back to work.

In summary, it feels good to be back at work, to flex those unused muscles. (I practiced saying "Ho, Ho, Ho" in a deep voice everyday in the beginning so I wouldn't slip into baby-talking to my coworkers and clients.) I have a new found enthusiasm about work and a sense of accomplishment that feeds my soul. Astrid is well taken care of and the time we spend together now is quality time. I'm just as invested, if not more so in her care and her future. I know there's no such thing as Supermom and not everyday is going to be perfect. But I'm striving to keep a balanced life between work and family, and its a work in progress.